Letting go, It's the Go in Goodbye

Disconnecting from what needs to be gone

One of the hardest things for me, was accepting the end of a relationship, even when I know that the person was not good for me, or the relationship is too damage to repair still I struggle with letting go.

I was determined to go down fighting, some may actually classify this as weakness but in fact, it is being thorough, because when I am actually done, it is DONE, no coming back, no do overs none of that. Every chance was given, every option was exhausted, and my mind has been satisfied that with my best efforts it still failed.

Breakups are painful, especially when you really loved the person, and it is made obvious that you were the only one in love, or in the relationship. The hard slap from that cruel reality, surely stings, it takes you a minute to understand what has happened, and when you reflect you realized the clues that you overlooked or received some explanation for that seemed logical now you feel foolish for falling for that crap. But hey, what's done is done right, you can't UNspill the milk, the only logical option here is to grab the mop and clean it up.

You asked yourself and your friends the same questions (over and over again), trying to find some solace in the way things turned out, the life you dreamed of, with this person no longer exists; It's like an alarm clock going off waking you out of some sweet sleep and now you have to get up out of the soothing comfort of your bed.

Did he just get up out of bed one day, and decided that I am going to lie and break this woman's heart, sure she didn't do anything to me, but she has to pay for the sins of her fellow gender, she looks so much like her too, and she must have did to someone else what that one did to me, so here's how I will get my revenge?

I mean, he had multiple opportunities to be honest, come clean, tell the truth and he still lied, why? How do you feel knowing that you're causing someone pain? Someone that trusted you, cared about you, did nothing but good for and to you, how you look at that person in the face knowing that you are not being honest with them and eventually what you are doing and not saying is one day going to hurt them?

One of my biggest take away from this, was separating the lie from the truth, almost everything this man told me about himself was a lie, it was the false, made-up version of him is what I fell in love with. The real him, his true character repulsed me, if I knew this about him before, I would have never gotten involved with him (note to sellf......background check!). Again, got to let that part go too, because as we have already established, you can't UNspill the milk, and better get the mop before it goes sour, because then you'll have a mess and a stench.

I was in love with the man he was pretending to be before I knew better, he's like a house that look good from afar, then when you get a closer look, you begin to see all the flaws that the distance prevented you from seeing.

But even with all that, I still miss the pendejo (my new favorite spanish world lol and his new name in my phone), he was a part of my life for close to a year, and I hate that I miss someone I can't stand, still love, can't stand, but still care about. It is this period of being human, being vulnerable, being weak, and feeling completely foolish, because you're doing stuff you know you shouldn't be doing, but you just can't help yourself.

I did not lose anything, I chose to let him go because I realized that he wasn't worth keeping, and again, even though in my mind I know this, my heart, that puta, had a different response. I think in psychology it is called cognitive dissonance, so with practice I have learned to give myself grace, patience, compassion and understanding.

I acknowledge what is not good for me, I also take accountability for my mistakes, my error in judgement, his decision to be dishonest is a reflection of his character, it is not the definition of my worth. The truth was exposed with one phone call, and there was a moment when I wished that I didn't make it. I had the phone in one hand and his clothes in the other, went through the process mentally, when he would come and get his things and left and prepared myself for it, only after to feel like I wasn't ready to let him go.

Something beneath the surface still pressed pass it all and insisted he came to get his stuff and get out of my life. And whatever that was, told me him being gone, is making room for the one that's coming, and it will make sense in a minute why things happened the way that it did. I had the support of my friends who gave me a listening ear, a pat on the back, and whatever else I needed to get through it.

He is not worth it, but I am, I deserve better than to be with a man that does not want to give but wants to receive, to a man that is looking for a woman to be a benefit to him when he himself is not anything of value or significance. It makes it less difficult to let go, giving the go to goodbye sets the end in motion making the space available for better to come.